KIDS OFF TO COLLEGE AND EMPTY NESTERS THINK DIVORCE?

Graduation symbolizes independence for most students, but it may also be true for their parents. Parents who stay together for the sake of their children may see graduation as the prime time to end their marriage.

Dr. Jay Granat, a psychotherapist, advises parents who decide graduation is the finish line for their marriages to tell the children when they are still home for the summer. It will give them at least three months to get used to the idea before they go to college. “Telling the kids when they are at school and adjusting to freshman year, that’s a bit much,” Granat said.

This situation is nothing new for families, Granat said. There are many couples who develop a hidden plan between them to hold off on their break up until the kids finish school and move out of the house. “It definitely does happen. The statistics have definitely born that out,” Granat said. “They wait until the house is empty.”

Waiting for the empty nest is a symptom that “speaks to the larger issue of parents who decided to stay together for their children and waiting for the appropriate time for their children, although it sort of has a hostile intent to it, in putting the child in the middle,” said Amelio D’Onofrio, Ph.D, a licensed psychologist and director of the Psychological Services Institute in the Graduate School of Education at Fordham University.

If you do decide to announce your divorce during this time, there are some guidelines to ease the transition for both parents and children.

Parents:
• Don’t tell kids you stayed together only for them. They will bear a heavy burden of guilt for it.
• Will he or she adjust to this news better while away at college, or while at home during the summer?
• Be as open and truthful as is appropriate for your child.

Kids:
• Remind yourself that this is not your fault.
• You have a right to be upset.
• If you are having trouble adjusting to the news, talk about it.